Hey, y’all! It’s Bachelorette time, y’all! Is this getting old,
y’all? Y’all? Yes, we get it Andi. You’re from the South. You’re a
southern belle. Enough already with the y’all, though, OK?
The season started with Chris Harrison addressing another first in
Bachelor history – noting that a contestant died during filming (after
he was off the show). So, the show’s decided to dedicate the season to
him. Let me get this straight. She doesn’t pick the guy, he’s sent
packing, he dies, and then the show dedicates someone else’s love
story/journey/fairytale to him? Ok, just checking.
Andi is READY for love, y’all. So ready, in fact, that she’s ready to
give everything up. She’s strutting to the Fulton County courthouse in
a severe ponytail, visiting crime scenes in an official local
government jacket, and she’s giving ALL THIS UP. “I remember just
getting this,” she says wistfully as she removes her diploma from the
wall. That’s because you JUST got it, like, a little over a year ago.
(According to the Georgia Bar, Andi Janette Dorman became an attorney in
November 2012. I know how to use Google.)
Well, she’s giving one thing up, that’s for sure. She can kiss being a
criminal prosecutor goodbye. Hope she enjoyed the months she was
one/finds everlasting love because there’s no way she’ll ever be able to
enter a courtroom to prosecute gang crimes and not get harassed about
her reality career.
Andi hugs her parents goodbye in their SWEET digs (would love to live
in that basement!) and embarks on her lovestory/journey/fairytale. “I
don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it,” Andi says. What’s the
“it”? Love? Vacation? Attention?
Then it’s on to the obligatory Los Angeles shopping trip, where she
recreates the Julia Roberts on Rodeo Drive scene in “Pretty Woman,”
minus the prostitution. She’s trying out silly hats! Look, she’s making
fish faces! She’s driving in a convertible! Oh, now she’s posing for
publicity photos in front of a (fake) wall of law books, which hopefully
she can keep for her infomercial career, which is all you can pretty
much do after being on reality TV anyway.
It’s time for a commercial break, and just when you think you’re in a
Bach-free zone for three minutes, surprise! You’re not! Not to be
outdone, last season’s bachelorette, Desiree Hartsock, stars in a Suave
commercial. Because nothing says forever or wedding day dreams like a
bottle of $3.99 conditioner.
Then, we’re back to Andi bubbling with joy about the prospects of
finding her dream husband in a room of 25 guys handpicked by Heidi
Fleiss’ brother. “Like, I could get engaged by summer!” she marvels.
Andi’s sister arrives for some squealing and asks the important
questions like how many guys does she plan to kiss on national
television, and helps her zip up her gold shimmery Oscar dress. “You
could be meeting the love of your life right now!” she says. Right.
Because the odds are like, what, 5 percent with this series? Andi
switched out of the Oscar dress for a flesh-colored sparkly number. “I
can see the end because I’m finally starting my beginning,” she gushes.
At the ripe old age of 26.
And then, it’s time with a capital T. Andi’s limo pulls up, Chris
Harrison helps her out of it, and they shoot the shit ‘til the first
limo of oogling guys arrives. How does Chris Harrison pretend to care
after 28 seasons? It’s not like anything new is going to happen. Unless
we are in for the MOST. SHOCKING. EPISODE. IN. BACHELORETTE. HISTORY.
He’s a great actor, that Chris Harrison. He deserves a raise. :)
The guys roll in and start saying stupid things like, “That smile is
devastating!” and “she’s glowing!” Um, yeah. It’s a sparkly dress. Let’s
meet them, shall we?
Marcus, the 25-year-old sports medicine manager from Dallas. Andi
thinks he’s hot and says this several times through the episode. She
loves that he’s so worldly. She also explains, to every guy, that she’s
“a hugger” and that she gives hugs on the first date. Lots of exposition
going on here.
Chris, the 32-year-old Iowa corn/soybean/feed animal farmer, with
Chiclet teeth. His spray tan really makes his teeth pop! In their
one-on-one time in the garden, he says he’s a fourth generation farmer
and Andi says she loves the outdoor life. Riiiiight. Girl likes getting
pampered.
JJ, the 30-year-old “Pantsapreneur” from San Francisco, is giddy
about this season’s “love quest.” Ugh. I think he’s the male equivalent
of professional “free spirit” Lucy. Maybe they could meet up if this
doesn’t work out? Because it won’t.
Marquel, a 26-year-old sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas was sweet,
saying, “I’m just here to complement you, I’ll take a distant second.”
Cute, right? Until he ma’am’d her. Yep. Yikes. But he redeemed himself
by somehow smuggling in a giant plate of cookies and having an impromptu
cookie party with Andi during the cocktail party. He confessed that the
love of his life right now is cookies, as he offered her a black and
white cookie. I’d give him the first impression rose right there.
Tasos, the 30-year-old wedding coordinator from Denver, brought Andi a
lock to put on the fence to recreate the Lover’s Bridge in Paris. They
threw the key in the fountain. Apparently, he didn’t watch Emily’s (or
was it Ali’s?) season since I’m pretty sure they did the same thing and
it failed. Miserably. So, way to recycle unsuccessful traditions, Tasos.
(It was one of the blonde girls, and it didn’t work out in the end, is
my point.
Cody, a 28-year-old personal trainer from Chicago pushed the limo up the hill, and is one of the only fair-haired guys.
Steven, the 30-year-old Snowboard Product Developer from Encinitas,
California, was “stoked” to be there. He offered to teach Andi to surf
and used “rad” in a sentence. Multiple times.
Rudie, the 31-year-old attorney from Long Beach, asked for permission
to approach the Bachelorette. *gag* He gave her a magic
marker/construction paper Fourth Amendment waiver as permission to
“search” his background. Oh, goodie. Another guy who LOVES talking about
himself. Joy.
Carl, the 30-year-old firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, gave her a globe with an arrow on it to mark their first meeting. Sweet.
Jason, the 35-year-old urgent care physician from Wisconsin with an
unfortunate haircut, had the worst line of the night. He says he can
diagnose people by looking at them. “I think you have a fever because
you look pretty hot.”
Nick V., the 33-year-old software sales executive from Chicago in a
polka dot tie, is one of 11 kids. Didn’t think there was anything that
interesting about him, but he got the first impression rose.
Dylan, the 26-year-old accountant from Boston, went all “the boy in
the bubble” on her and gave her a ton of space because he was so
nervous.
Patrick, the 29-year-old advertising executive from Newport Beach,
brought a soccer ball, which he dribbled weakly. He says he plays but
he’s nothing like the last guy. (Really? Because he seems a LOT like the
last guy – very arrogant and kinda rude.)
Emil, the 33-year old helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, is the oldest
looking 33-year-old IN BACHELOR HISTORY. He did, however, have a really
funny line. When introducing himself to Andi, she had trouble
pronouncing his name. So he told her that “it’s anal with an M.” Bet
she’ll never forget! (She also sent him packing.)
Brett, the 29-year-old hairstylist from Pennsylvania with the
semi-mullet, brought a floor lamp that he stole from the Sheraton hotel.
He awkwardly presented it to Andi, telling her his mom said he should,
“Never greet a lady empty-handed.” (Ever hear of a shower cap? Those are
easy to move and actually useful.)
Craig, a 29-year-old tax accountant (like there’s another kind?) from
Denver, popped a bottle of champagne to celebrate that Andi’s the
bachelorette. He was WAY excited and remained red-faced and slightly
manic the rest of the evening. (A young Chris Farley, perhaps?)
Ron, a 28-year-old beverage sales manager from Nashville, whom I cannot pick out of a lineup.
Bradley, a 32-year-old opera singer from Michigan. (Wonder if he knows Sharleen?)
After he introduced himself, he promised to serenade Andi in the
cocktail party, before taking out a planter. (Yay for the klutzes!)
Josh B., a 29-year-old telecommunications manager from Denver. Denver in the HOUSE!
Nick S., the 27-year-old professional golfer from Florida, who rode
in on a golf cart. Andi says she’s “got a little swing.” Thud. This
crowd is rough! (A little golf humor. I played in high school to meet
boys. It didn’t work.)
Brian, a 27-year-old basketball coach from Pennsylvania, had a crooked tie and seems a little dim.
Andrew, a 30-year-old social media marketer from California, is
smarmy looking. He seems really into Andi, like he’s already planning to
put “Andi and Andy” on the wedding cocktail napkins in scripted font.
Mike, the 29-year-old Utah bartender, wanted to re-enact meeting
under “normal” circumstances, which just came across as lame. He slipped
her his number, which is irrelevant since they don’t have access to
cell phones. (Duh.)
Eric, the ill-fated 31-year-old explorer from California, gave Andi
dolls he said he received from a little girl he met at the foot of the
Andes Mountains who asked that he give them to his girlfriend. (Pretty
sure he bought them at a gift shop.) He said he’s traveling for “work.”
Who pays you to travel to every country in the world? Where do I sign
up? I understand there’s an opening. (Too soon?)
Josh M., a 29-year-old former pro baseball player from Atlanta, who’s totally Andi’s type, and the feeling’s mutual.
Andi is “blown away” by the caliber of men that came out for her. She
tells them, “From experience I can tell you it works!” Note that she
didn’t say well. It doesn’t work WELL. Andi also said she felt the love
of her life was in the room. Again, not buying it.
She’s relieved that her fear that the guys were going to pull an
Ashley Hebert and not be glad the Bachelorette was her was completely
unfounded. They were pretty jazzed it was her.
Meanwhile, at the craft services table, Chris Bukowski (from Emily’s
season), shows up bearing roses, and a feisty security guard confiscates
them. He says he wants to meet Andi. Ew. Just, ew. Since Andi has a
brain in her head and presumably saw how gross Chris acted on “Bachelor
Pad,” I was pretty sure he was going home, but the producers strung it
out for awhile.
Meanwhile, Andi’s having an awesome time playing golf, getting gifts
of pants, being serenaded by Opera Man, and eating cookies. Patrick and
Andrew are in another room, developing a bromance over Formula One
racing.
Back to the front yard, where the security team “checks” Chris for
weapons (by asking him if he has any weapons, not checking him for
actual weapons) and the guard says he’s giving the roses to his wife.
Chris Harrison tells Andi that Chris crashed the party, and asked what
she wanted to do. She told him she wasn’t interested, and Chris Harrison
told him to scram. Chris B. says he’s been out there for seven days and
isn’t leaving. Chris Harrison’s like, “Dude, respect her wishes.” Chris
B. insists he’s not leaving. Well, that’ll be awkward when they start
going on their group dates and pass Chris B. camped out on the lawn.
Chris finally leaves with his tail between his legs, after Chris
Harrison warns that things will only go badly for him.
Inside, Andi’s ready to give out roses. She again says she’s blown
away by the caliber of guys. Of course, that’s easy to say when
everyone’s on their best behavior for the first 15 minutes.
The group went from 25 to 19. Sk8erboy looked like he was going to
have a meltdown, while several other guys’ self-tanner was pooling under
their collars.
Here’s who received roses: Nick V. (first impression), JJ “Pants,”
Adventurer Eric, Marquel, Smiley Craig, Tasos, Josh M., Brian, Bradley
(Opera Man), Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl, farmer Chris, Dylan, Brett,
Patrick, Cody, and Nick S.
That left Rudie, Emil (a/k/a “Anal with an M”), Dr. Jason, Josh B.,
Mike, and Steven roseless. In his post-rejection interview, Dr. Jason
was crestfallen, asking whether there was something he could’ve done
differently. Um, maybe not showing up looking like the Little Dutch Boy
on the first night of a dating show? Get a haircut! Josh B. was
totally sour grapes and called the show “stupid.” Then he pouted some
more, stomped his feet, crossed his arms, took his toys, and went home.
Then came the teasers for the season: Venice, Belgium, sledding,
train riding, frat boys gone bad, Andi crying over how “real” everything
is, guys crying (presumably about the “realness”). Andi dramatically
removing her mic and saying it’s not a fairytale. Get ready, Bachelor
fans!
(courtesy of ehilarity.com)
