Clare says that she’s not the kind of girl who goes to bars or does online dating. SO, where does she meet guys? (Aside from on television, because that’s already been established.) JP blindfolds Clare and they speed off in his sedan (?) to a fake snow scene in L.A. They go sledding and ice skating in what’s clearly a Ralph’s parking lot. Clare thinks Juan Pablo is hilarious, though I’m not seeing the funny. In fact, I’m not seeing much personality, period.
Clare says she hasn’t felt this alive with a man in a long time. Well, no kidding. She refuses to meet them in bars or online. Where DOES she meet them???? JP and Clare end up in the hot tub because that’s what you do after sledding. (I’m a Midwesterner, I know these things.)
Clare proceeds to give Juan Pablo a backrub while talking about her late father, which is the biggest mood-killer ever. Clare talks about how she shut down emotionally after her father’s death, became an “ice queen” and hasn’t connected with anyone in a long time.
Of course, this melts Juan Pablo’s heart and he gives Clare the rose and the distinct privilege of being the first woman to make out in a hot tub this season.
And, just like your favorite late-night infomercial — BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! –they are serenaded by a runner-up from the X-Factor, and it’s the best date Clare says she’s ever been on (has she ever been on one?), and it got even better! Because it fake-snowed in L.A.!
Meanwhile, Lucy the full-time “free spirit” doesn’t believe in wearing a bikini top poolside and walks around with a giant black box covering her boobs.
The second one-on-one date went to Kat the medical sales rep. They took a private plane to Salt Lake City where they dressed like extras in Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” video for the Electric 5K Run, and waved glow sticks with hundreds of people in way too much neon. Kat kept talking about the “electricity” between her and Juan Pablo, and she got the rose.
Thirteen women went on the group date (Chelsie, Christy, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Kelly (who’s listed “dog lover” as her occupation), Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy for those keeping score), which was a fashion shoot for an animal shelter. Lucy said her biggest fear was getting peed on, and her initial costume turned out to be a fire hydrant, which was perfect. First grade teacher Elise, and Andi the control-freak attorney, however, were not pleased with their outfits — they had to pose naked. Elise tried talking to the art director and explain why a first grade teacher probably shouldn’t be naked on TV, and the art director (an adult male with a teal goatee) was trying to tell her that being a role model has nothing to do with being naked, and it’s totally fine to do something if it’s for a good cause. Elise wisely asked Lucy to swap costumes and Lucy, who was busy walking her dog around the block naked, was happy to oblige upon her return.
Victoria, the 24-year-old legal assistant, said she hoped the date wouldn’t devolve into a horror show, which is, of course, exactly what happened. While Victoria was downing champagne by the bottle, Cassandra, the 21-year-old former NBA dancer, told Juan Pablo she has a 2-year-old son, which is why she calls her mom ten times a day. Renee and JP have stimulating conversation about their kids’ handwriting. *yawn* And Juan Pablo likes Nikki because she takes care of kids. Borrrrringggggg.
JP likes his ladies elegant, and Victoria — ain’t it. She did, however, have the top two quotes IN BACHELOR HISTORY: “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day, ‘cuz that’s what life is about: straddling people and things.” (And here I thought the hokey pokey was what it’s all about. Silly me.) She also told nobody in particular that she gave Juan Pablo “the hymen maneuver” and saved his life during the photo shoot. I think she meant Heimlich, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave him the former. I cannot wait to hear whether she’s still working at a law firm after this episode airs.
And, as these things tend to go, she’s party girl/everything’s fine one minute, and running to the bathroom in hysterics the next. Mommy Renee gets major props for CRAWLING UNDER THE STALL DOOR (ick factor: 10/10) to console a sobbing Victoria. Victoria tries to leave but the producers won’t let her go without shoes. They’re trying to explain to her that they need to get her a plane ticket and a cab, and they can’t just let her leave for her own safety. Homegirl needs to throw up, get some coffee in her, and apologize for being crazy. Juan Pablo joins Victoria in the ladies’ room and asks if she’d like some time to pull herself together. He wisely decides to peace out, but not before giving the rose to Kelly, who dressed as a hairless pooch at the photo shoot.
Juan Pablo asked that the girls make sure Victoria got home OK, which I’m sure production would’ve done anyway, given liability laws and all.
The next day, the girls were talking about Victoria’s meltdown. Production took her to a hotel to let her sober up and filmed her meeting with Juan Pablo/dumping. She did apologize for setting off the crazy train, but it was too late.
At the cocktail party, Juan Pablo spent some time with the ladies who didn’t get a group date. Amy the reporter thought she was being cute and interviewed him using her hand as a microphone. She spent a lot of time talking into the camera and seemed pretty pleased with herself. (I was not sad when she was sent packing.)
Sharleen the opera singer kept the side boob under wraps tonight. To her credit, she apologized for not being gracious when he gave her the first impression rose, claiming she was simply surprised and intimidated by the other women.
Cassandra was missing her son a lot and cried to Renee, who was Super-Mom to the rescue – AGAIN. Juan Pablo reassured Cassandra that if he didn’t see it with her or Renee, he’d send them home because they had children. He urged Cassandra to hang in there, and he even checked her nose for boogers. He must like her because he offered to clean her nose if that became necessary.
At the rose ceremony, Clare, Kelly and Kat already had roses, and he handed them out to: Cassandra (see?crying works sometimes!), Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen (who reluctantly accepted it, with a big sigh), Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy.
JP sent home Amy, Chantel, and Victoria, who left after the group date.
On Sunday, ABC will air a (SHORT) special about the lasting relationships from the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Apparently, Tristan and Ryan will renew their vows in front of their bored children ,and Sean and Catherine visit a bed and breakfast that has a “Consummation station.” Oye.
(review compliments of ehilarity.com)
POINT SCORERS
Alli - 20 (group date, rose)
Andi - 20 (group date, rose)
Cassandra - 120 (group date, kiss, cries off camera, cries during interview, discusses child, rose)
Chelsie - 55 (group date, interrupts alone time, rose)
Christy - 20 (group date, rose)
Clare - 530 (first one-on-one date, first real kiss, first in hot tub with JP, gets one-on-one date, gets rose on one-on-one date, kiss, shares a dance with JP, alone in hot tub with JP, discusses death of family member)
Danielle - 35 (survives without getting a date, rose)
Elise - 20 (group date, rose)
Kat - 55 (one-on-one date, gets rose on one-on-one date, shares a dance with JP)
Kelly - 70 (group date, gets rose on group date)
Lauren - 20 (group date, rose)
Lucy - 55 (group date, interrupts alone time, rose)
Nikki - 20 (group date, rose)
Renee - 45 (group date, discusses child, rose)
Sharleen - 35 (survives without getting a date, rose)
WEEK TWO TEAM POINTS RECAP:
AMANDA N
Nikki - 20p
Andi - 20p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 150p
SEASON TOTAL: 205p
AMANDA H
Nikki - 20p
Renee - 45p
Elise - 20p
Elimination Points - 50p (Chantel, Victoria)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 135p
SEASON TOTAL: 340p
ANDY - NIGHTHAWK'S BLONDE BOMBSHELLS
Nikki - 20p
Clare - 530p
Elise - 20p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 570p
SEASON TOTAL: 725p
BROOKE S
Andi - 20p
Nikki - 20p
Renee - 45p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 85p
SEASON TOTAL: 215p
BROOKE V
Clare - 530p
Andi - 20p
Renee - 45p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 595p
SEASON TOTAL: 725p
CALLEY
Renee - 45p
Sharleen - 35p
Chelsie - 55p
Elimination Points - 25p (Amy, Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 160p
SEASON TOTAL: 405p
CARLY
Andi - 20p
Kat - 55p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 185p
SEASON TOTAL: 255p
GINGER
Clare - 530p
Andi - 20p
Renee - 45p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 595p
SEASON TOTAL: 725p
HOLLY
Renee - 45p
Clare - 530p
Nikki - 20p
Elimination Points - 25p (Amy)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 620p
SEASON TOTAL: 775p
JACI
Nikki - 20p
Kat - 55p
Chelsie - 55p
Elimination Points - 35p (Amy, Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 165p
SEASON TOTAL: 290p
JACKIE
Nikki - 20p
Kat - 55p
Renee - 45p
Elimination Points - 25p (Victoria)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 145p
SEASON TOTAL: 315p
JAMI
Clare - 530p
Lucy - 55p
Sharleen - 35p
Elimination Points - 20p (Victoria, Amy)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 640p
SEASON TOTAL: 810p
JESSIE
Chelsie - 55p
Nikki - 20p
Christy - 20p
Elimination Points - 10p (Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 105p
SEASON TOTAL: 235p
JODI
Andi - 20p
Nikki - 20p
Renee - 45p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 85p
SEASON TOTAL: 215p
JULIA
Nikki - 20p
Clare - 530p
Elise - 20p
Elimination Points - 30p (Victoria, Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 600p
SEASON TOTAL: 755p
KAMRYN
Andi - 20p
Clare - 530p
Chelsie - 55p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 605p
SEASON TOTAL: 685p
KATE F
Clare - 530p
Chelsie - 55p
Andi - 20p
Elimination Points - 30p (Victoria, Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 635p
SEASON TOTAL: 715p
KATE M
Andi - 20p
Nikki - 20p
Kat - 55p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 95p
SEASON TOTAL: 190p
LAURA
Andi - 20p
Renee - 45p
Nikki - 20p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 85p
SEASON TOTAL: 215p
MANDY
Andi - 20p
Sharleen - 35p
Nikki - 20p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 75p
SEASON TOTAL: 245p
MEG
Chelsie - 55p
Nikki - 20p
Andi - 20p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 95p
SEASON TOTAL: 175p
MELISSA
Chelsie - 55p
Renee - 45p
Andi - 20p
Elimination Points - 10p (Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 130p
SEASON TOTAL: 260p
NICK
Andi - 20p
Alli - 20p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 65p
SEASON TOTAL: 120p
NICOLE
Nikki - 20p
Andi - 20p
Cassandra - 120p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 160p
SEASON TOTAL: 215p
PEGGY
Andi - 20p
Renee - 45p
Nikki - 20p
Elimination Points - 10p (Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 95p
SEASON TOTAL: 225p
RACHEL
Andi - 20p
Nikki - 20p
Clare - 530p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 570p
SEASON TOTAL: 650p
SARA
Renee - 45p
Andi - 20p
Clare - 530p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 595p
SEASON TOTAL: 725p
SAVANNAH L
Andi - 20p
Renee - 45p
Chelsie - 55p
Elimination Points - 0p
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 120p
SEASON TOTAL: 250p
STEPHANIE
Andi - 20p
Nikki - 20p
Clare - 530p
Elimination Points - 10p (Chantel)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 580p
SEASON TOTAL: 660p
VANESSA
Nikki - 20p
Andi - 20p
Elimination Points - 50p (Chantel, Amy, Victoria)
THIS WEEK TOTAL: 200p
SEASON TOTAL: 255p
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